How to get someone to admit they have an anger problem when they don’t believe they have an anger problem can be very frustrating. It takes patience and a lot of time. I know that for a fact as I had an anger problem for years and could always find ways to minimize it or blame others for my anger.
Somewhere around 1985 I discovered personal responsibility and finally understood it was me choosing to be angry over what other people did instead of them making me angry. No one can make me angry but me. It’s a choice. Emotions are not instant things, you always have a choice as to which emotion you want to feel. However to people with anger problems it doesn’t seem that way.
How you can get someone to admit they have an anger problem will be your biggest problem. Most don’t want to admit they have any shortcomings at all and anger is one of the hardest to admit to. If the people you know with anger issues also drink a lot of alcohol it makes it that much harder for you to get them to admit they do have a problem.
If you are a friend of the person with the anger issues sit down and talk to them, calmly. Don’t accuse them of being angry as they will just get defensive and resist everything you have to say about it. Find a nice calm time where the person is relaxed and feeling good and try to slowly work it into the conversation.
If you’re watching TV you can always ask questions about what should the angry person on TV have done differently to solve their problem? What choices could they have made differently so they didn’t get into trouble. If the person you are concerned about can answer with the right actions you have a good start on working with them as they know what the right thing to do is.
I have a series of questions I ask, much like AA asks to help decide if people are alcoholics and much like doctors use to help tell if a person is depressed.
- Is getting angry helping or hurting your relationship with your wife or girlfriend?
- Is getting angry hurting your relationship with your children or others in your family?
- Is there anger hurting them on their job? Preventing promotions, raises or even getting them fired?
- Have they ever been in trouble with the law over their anger?
- Are they angry at themselves for getting angry.
- Do they want to get rid of their anger and have great relationships with wives, kids and family?
- What do they think will help them with their anger problem?
- What are they willing to do to have the good relationships they want.
If they are honest about their anger problems there will be no blaming of anyone else. If they don’t answer the questions honestly there isn’t much you can do except keep working with them. It can be very frustrating but keep pointing out the personal responsibility of their anger and their actions when they are angry.
If you can get them to understand that anger is a choice they don’t have to make you’re well on the way to helping them. If nothing else works, when they complain about people making them angry, I always ask them did the anger hurt or help the situation and what could they have done differently to get what they wanted.
It can be hard learning how to get someone to admit they have an anger problem but if you can do it you will have helped them to have a better life and their families and friends will also have better lives and appreciate what you did for them. If you can’t get them to admit they have an anger problem keep working on it and keep asking what could have been done differently. Eventually they will get the fact that to cure their anger problems they will have to make some different choices.